Lead By Example: Document Your Advance Directives for NHDD (National Healthcare Decisions Day)

April 16th is National Healthcare Decisions Day, a day that encourages us to proactively put in writing our advance directives – how we’d like to be cared for in the event of a health crisis or end-of-life circumstance – to ease the burden of those difficult decisions for our family and loved ones.

In recognition, Jennifer O’Brien, author of the newly released book, “The Hospice Doctor’s Widow: A Journal”, shares excerpts of her anguished, heartfelt and instructive journey with husband Bob Lehmberg, a hospice physician who himself ended up in hospice care as a result his bout with cancer.

In Jennifer’s words:

During a recent three-hour interview for an NPR-based program about my book, I was explaining how my late husband, Bob, and I had prepared for his death –our downsizing to a smaller residence, the bestowing of his belongings, his wishes for palliative care, and plans for a memorial service and burial arrangements.

“So, really, he did this all for you?” the interviewer exclaimed.

“Yes,” I replied. “Death preparation is love demonstration.”

Admittedly, I was pretty proud of that off-the-cuff, sound-bitey response under the pressure of an interview but have since concluded that death preparation is more than just a love demonstration; it is intimacy and a tremendous gift.

Even before Bob’s stage IV, metastatic cancer diagnosis, he had shared with me everything he wanted – and didn’t want – in the way of end-of-life care. After the diagnosis, he reviewed with me his documented advance directives so that he could be sure I thoroughly understood them.

He shared his fears and regrets. We went through his more-prized possessions, so I’d know who got what after he died. Together, we put the cars and property in my name, finalized his last will and testament, and ventured into the Veteran Administration’s HR office to complete the long, bureaucratic process of my survivor benefits.

He told me that once he was in inpatient hospice (his preference over home), he wanted no visitors; he wanted only me with him. He told me he would want palliative sedation when the time came.

When one of us cried, the other provided the comfort and security of a warm embrace. Once, we even cried together. We had discussions about his life, spirituality and what might be ahead in the afterlife.

There was a profound closeness in those discussions and preparations. He shared with me his last wishes, and I listened and honored those wishes, every last one. We did it all together.

I cannot think of anything more intimate. It was excruciatingly sad and, at times, very difficult. Nothing about our conversations and preparations made losing him any less painful.

The gift was in my never having to make a difficult choice about his care; knowing I was honoring every last wish of his; and having only to love him, grieve him, and miss him rather than being overwhelmed by the uncertainty that comes with so many after-death administrative questions and loose ends.

That was his final gift to me. It can also be your gift to your family.

Yes, April 16**th** is National Healthcare Decisions Day. So, grab some flowers and a bottle of wine on the way home and, odd as it might sound, get intimate with your loved one about your advance directives and other end-of-life preferences. If you speak with sincerity and listen with openness, it has the potential to be the gift of a lifetime.

Jennifer A. O'Brien, MSOD

Author of The Hospice Doctor's Widow: A Journal, Et Alia Press

https://www.hospicedrswidow.com/get-the-book

hospicedrswidow@gmail.com